We swim in a sea of expectations, don’t we? From the moment we’re young, subtle and not-so-subtle messages shape our understanding of what it means to be successful. It’s the big house, the corner office, the fancy car, the overflowing bank account, the perfectly curated online life. These are the benchmarks often handed to us, the predefined finish lines we’re encouraged to sprint towards. But what happens when you reach one, or chase them relentlessly, only to find a hollow echo where fulfillment should be? This nagging feeling, this quiet dissatisfaction, often stems from pursuing a version of success that wasn’t authored by you.
Defining success on your own terms is a radical act in a world obsessed with comparison and external validation. It’s about stepping off the conveyor belt of shoulds and musts and asking yourself, honestly and deeply: What truly matters to me? What kind of life do I genuinely want to build? What activities, relationships, and achievements bring me a sense of purpose, joy, and contentment, regardless of what anyone else thinks?
Unpacking the Pre-Packaged Deal
Society’s definition of success is often heavily weighted towards the material and the measurable. Money, power, status – these are easily quantifiable, easily compared. We see them celebrated in media, applauded in corporate structures, and envied on social platforms. There’s nothing inherently wrong with achieving these things, but the danger lies in adopting them as the only metrics that matter, especially if they don’t align with your core values.
Think about it: how many stories have we heard of people reaching the pinnacle of conventional success – the high-flying career, the wealth – only to feel profoundly empty or burnt out? They played the game, won by the established rules, but found the prize wasn’t what their soul craved. This happens because external benchmarks often ignore the crucial internal landscape: our passions, our relationships, our mental and physical well-being, our desire for meaning and contribution.
The Tyranny of Comparison
Social media has amplified this pressure exponentially. We are constantly exposed to carefully edited highlight reels of others’ lives, leading to inevitable comparison. We stack our messy, complex reality against someone else’s curated image of perfection, often concluding that we’re falling short. This comparison trap keeps us tethered to external validation, constantly seeking approval and measuring our worth by likes, followers, or the perceived achievements of others. It distracts us from our own path and erodes our ability to recognize and celebrate our unique progress and joys.
Why Your Personal Definition is Non-Negotiable
Taking the reins and defining success for yourself isn’t just a nice idea; it’s fundamental to living an authentic and fulfilling life. When your definition of success aligns with your core values and intrinsic motivations, something powerful shifts.
- Authenticity: You start living in alignment with who you truly are, not who you think you *should* be. This reduces internal conflict and fosters a sense of peace.
- Motivation: You tap into intrinsic motivation – the drive that comes from within. Pursuing goals that genuinely matter to you is far more sustainable and rewarding than chasing external rewards that don’t resonate.
- Resilience: When setbacks occur (and they will), having a clear, personal definition of success provides an anchor. You understand the bigger picture of what you’re building, making it easier to navigate challenges without feeling like a complete failure based on external metrics.
- Fulfillment: True, lasting contentment arises from progress towards goals that hold personal meaning. It’s the feeling of living purposefully, contributing in ways you value, and honouring your priorities.
Important Reminder: Constantly measuring your own journey against the curated highlights of others is a guaranteed path to dissatisfaction. Remember that external appearances rarely reflect the full reality. Focusing on your own values and progress is crucial for genuine well-being.
The Excavation Process: Finding Your Values
So, how do you actually do it? How do you move from intellectually understanding this concept to actually crafting your own definition? It starts with introspection – an honest look inward.
Step 1: Identify Peak Moments
Think back on your life. When did you feel most alive, most proud, most content, most “yourself”? What were you doing? Who were you with? What underlying need or value was being met in those moments? Was it creativity, connection, learning, helping others, overcoming a challenge, experiencing nature, achieving mastery?
Step 2: Reflect on What Angers or Frustrates You
Often, our frustrations point towards violated values. What injustices make you angry? What societal norms rub you the wrong way? What situations leave you feeling drained or resentful? If inefficiency drives you crazy, perhaps efficiency and order are values. If seeing others mistreated upsets you, perhaps justice and compassion are core values.
Step 3: Consider Your Heroes or Role Models
Who do you admire, and why? Look beyond their achievements to their character traits or the principles they seem to live by. What qualities draw you to them? Their courage, integrity, creativity, kindness, perseverance? These admired traits often reflect values you hold dear.
Step 4: Imagine Your Ideal Day/Week/Life
If there were no limitations (financial, societal), how would you spend your time? What activities would fill your days? Who would you spend time with? What would you be creating or contributing? This exercise helps reveal what truly energizes and fulfills you.
Step 5: Synthesize and Prioritize
Look at the patterns emerging from these reflections. List the words and concepts that repeatedly appear (e.g., connection, growth, creativity, freedom, security, impact, health, adventure). This list represents your potential core values. Now, try to narrow it down. Which ones feel most essential? Which ones would you be unwilling to compromise on?
Crafting Your Compass: From Values to Definition
Once you have a clearer sense of your core values, you can start translating them into your personal definition of success. This isn’t about setting rigid rules, but about creating guiding principles and flexible benchmarks.
Your definition might not look like a single sentence. It could be a collection of statements or principles. For example:
- “Success means cultivating deep, supportive relationships with my family and friends, making time for meaningful connection.” (Value: Connection)
- “Success involves continually learning and challenging myself, mastering new skills, and embracing personal growth.” (Value: Growth, Mastery)
- “Success is having the financial freedom to pursue my creative passions without constant worry.” (Value: Freedom, Creativity, Security)
- “Success means contributing positively to my community, even in small ways.” (Value: Contribution, Impact)
- “Success includes prioritizing my physical and mental health, ensuring I have the energy to engage fully with life.” (Value: Health, Well-being)
- “Success is living with integrity, aligning my actions with my values even when it’s difficult.” (Value: Integrity)
Notice how these are different from “make six figures” or “become CEO.” They are internally focused and process-oriented, rather than purely outcome-based according to external standards. Your own benchmarks might involve tangible goals (e.g., “finish writing my novel,” “run a half-marathon,” “save enough to travel for three months”), but they stem from your values, not societal pressure.
Living Your Definition: Staying True Amidst the Noise
Defining success is the first step; living it is the ongoing journey. External pressures won’t magically disappear. You’ll still encounter comparisons, expectations, and the allure of conventional status symbols. Staying true requires conscious effort:
- Regular Check-ins: Periodically revisit your definition. Are your daily actions aligning with your stated values? Are you making choices that support your version of success?
- Mindful Consumption: Be aware of the media and social interactions you consume. If certain accounts or news sources consistently make you feel inadequate or envious, curate your feed. Limit exposure to comparison triggers.
- Set Boundaries: Learn to say no to opportunities or requests that, while perhaps prestigious or lucrative, pull you away from what truly matters to you. Protect your time and energy for your priorities.
- Find Your Tribe: Surround yourself with people who understand and support your definition of success, or at least respect your path even if it differs from their own. Shared values create supportive environments.
- Celebrate Your Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate progress towards your goals, no matter how small they seem by external standards. Did you prioritize family dinner? Did you stick to your creative practice? Did you act with integrity? Recognize these as victories.
Success is Not Static
It’s also crucial to remember that your definition of success can, and likely will, evolve. What mattered most to you at 20 might be different at 40 or 60. Life changes – priorities shift, experiences shape us, new values emerge. Allow your definition to be a living document, one that you revisit and refine as you grow. The goal isn’t to carve it in stone, but to use it as a reliable compass guiding you toward a life that feels authentic and fulfilling to you, right now.
Ultimately, defining success on your own terms is an act of self-claiming. It’s about honouring your unique journey, trusting your inner wisdom, and building a life that resonates with your deepest values. It swaps the fleeting gratification of external approval for the enduring satisfaction of internal alignment. It’s not always the easiest path, but it’s the one that leads to a life truly well-lived, measured not by applause from the crowd, but by the quiet, steady hum of purpose within.
