Many singles are total helter-skelter and seem, from outward appearances, to thrive on that for a little while. But many more suffer from severe anxiety and extreme ups and downs of depression and unhappiness as a result of instability….
As I see it, one of the reasons for this is that many have no direction or purpose to their lives, or in short - no goals or direction. They are sort of bouncing off the wall taking whatever comes. Hopefully, they are just “killing time until Mr. or Ms. Right comes along”.
Marrieds (happy types), usually have some goals or purpose. Getting the kids thru school, saving up for the big trip, moving to a bigger or better house, striving to achieve some goal in whatever it is they are trying to do together.
Often when they reach that goal and they have no new goal, when they get the kids thru college or move into the house they always wanted, with no common goal left, the marriage falls apart. Their married life, and life in general, doesn’t seem to be as good anymore. They split, searching for the answer, become single and still neglect to set new goals, and still they are unhappy.
Sometimes…. as a newly singled person they set out to prove they can do it on their own and set new goals. This group of singles, that do get on to the importance of goals in relation to their singles happiness quotient, get along much better.
Those under stress, who are the ones not tying themselves to any goals because the “big relationship lightning” might strike and change it all anyway, are not the ones that are leading a happy meaningful life from my observation.
It is far better to set personal, meaningful goals as a single, and be constantly working toward them. This will give equilibrium. Your subconscious, which is a goal seeking mechanism, quiets down anxieties, body stresses and up-tightness, and gets to work evaluating and processing everything else in line with these goals.
Only something very good and very concrete can cause you to revaluate or change your goals. This gives the stability and purpose (and a greater degree of happiness and tranquility) to a life that often finds this aspect missing when becoming suddenly single.
To those newly singled and are yet unsure what they want to do with the rest of their lives, I would suggest a 6 month to a year experimental single period of growth where they try a variety of new things, new friends and attitudes, philosophies, etc. They need to find what is really right for them.
This may be the first and last opportunity of their lifetime to really be free to get to know themselves and the world.
In the meantime you do need some goals. My suggestion is to make your goal for the next year, primarily (with other goal) to learn to live happily as a single person and learning to live and enjoy life to its fullest extent. To gain knowledge and skill in doing whatever you need to do to lead a happy life.
You should set and be achieving these exciting goals that are beyond your present reach which will enrich your life and provide fulfillment.
When your subconscious is programmed thru spaced repetition that your goal is to succeed at developing a happy single life, your entire outlook, actions and reactions will change overnight.
You have been bouncing off the wall, this way and that, not sure whether you are desperately trying to get married again, or avoiding serious relationships at all costs. You are in a vacuum as to what you are doing for sure.
Make a firm decision as to what you are trying to do! To stop drifting, and to make a decision to learn to lead a happy life appears to me to be the ideal goal for now and easy to arrive at.
Once your subconscious has accepted this goal and it is constantly repeated to yourself thru daily audible and visible repetition, your subconscious will automatically, without conscious effort on your part, come up with ideas and decisions that will put you in a much happier frame of mind. Don’t worry about how or what it will do. Inspiration will hit you, out of the blue, that will lead to new happiness if followed.
Everything will then be evaluated in light of what is best for your new happier fulfilled life. “Will this action and new direction make my life happier and better or will it detract from that happiness?”
You will automatically put yourself in the right places at the right times and if you follow your hunches, do whatever gives you the greatest joy in life.
Now if you want to be lonely, miserable and keep feeling sorry for yourself, bemoaning your fate, go ahead and keep giving your subconscious that kind of programming - that things are supposed to be bad - and it will see to it that you continue to be in all the wrong places doing the wrong things that will keep you miserable.
Setting goals is a long subject and hard to cover in a short article. As we have said most people spend more time planning a weekend then they do planning the rest of their life.
Figure out what it is you want to do and program yourself that way, by getting and keeping your goals in your subconscious thru spaced repetition, looking at them and repeating them out loud 3 times a day, thru Bristols mirror technique, self hypnosis, meditation, prayer or whatever other method is best for you to get thru to your subconscious goal seeking mechanism.
Your subconscious is the quarterback in your game of single life. It calls the plays but we must coach it properly so it knows what plays to call. You are a goal seeking mechanism and if you give your quarterback the right positive instructions, you will succeed in having a happy single life, if that is your goal.
If you learn to quit giving yourself confusing negative instructions along the way your quarterback will call the plays ingeniously. So much so that it will amaze even you the things you do.
When you coach your subconscious with opposing negative and positive instructions it gets all tied up in knots. How your quarterback calls the shots is dependant upon your mental attitude. When you give worry, anxiety, fear, self doubt, etc. to your quarterback you paralyze his abilities to win the game of a happy single life.
When you are calm and self confident and giving your quarterback (your subconscious) positive instructions, goals (the name of the game) then it functions at full peak capacity, calling all the right plays at the right time.
If you do not feed your desires (goals) into your subconscious it will feed on the thoughts and images that reach it accidentally through your neglect.
A human being can create nothing until he or she can first conceive it in the form of an impulse of thought. Thought impulses,……… a visualization of what you want to bring about, begin immediately to transform themselves into their physical equivalent. Whether these thoughts are voluntary or involuntary. If you visualize what you fear or worry about, you help bring it into being.
Your subconscious mind doesn’t care whether you visualize something accidentally or on purpose, voluntarily or involuntarily. Keep fear out of your mind by concentrating upon a mental picture, a definite visualization on the motion picture screen of your mind of your goal, your greatest desire.
If you picture yourself as always being alone, miserable or whatever, your subconscious will see to it that you do things to keep you that way or that you will refuse to do things that will get you out of that mood.
If you constantly visualize yourself as having fun, being with friends and having superb relationships, then your subconscious will soon see to it that you do the right things to put you in that position.
Do not worry about the details of how you are going to develop a happy, fulfilled single life if that is your goal. Merely keep visualizing that and going over that with your self several times a day.
Do it now and save months, or even years, of being unhappy. There is absolutely no need to be miserable for a period of one or two years-which is common when a divorce occurs. It is one of the great tragedies that people suffer needlessly, simply because they do not know or refuse to do what is necessary to get themselves out of it and on to the mainline of a happy, new life of freedom.
© Harlan Jacobsen @ www.singlelifecoach.com
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